For those of you seeking to brighten up an either already bright or perhaps a gloomy Valentine’s Day (and if the picture on the right didn’t help), here are some V-Day funnies.
First, a little question and answer session:
Why did the banana go out with a prune?
Because it couldn’t get a date.
What did the paper clip say to the magnet?
“I find you very attractive.”
What did the Valentine card say to the stamp?
“Stick with me and we’ll go places!”
What is a vampire’s sweetheart called?
His ghoul-friend.
What kind of flowers do you never give on Valentine’s Day?
Cauliflowers.
Did you hear about the near-sighted porcupine?
He fell in love with a pincushion!
Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend?
She didn’t suit his taste.
What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?
“I love you a ton!”
And now some squirrel jokes (for some reason these little pack-rats are animals of choice on this holiday):
What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day?
Forget-me-nuts.
What did the boy squirrel say to the girl squirrel on Valentine’s Day?
“I’m nuts about you!”
What did the girl squirrel say to the boy squirrel on Valentine’s Day?
“You’re nuts so bad yourself!”
If you’re at all like me (ie your mind is perpetually in the gutter), you’ll appreciate these:
Our love will never become cold and hollow, unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
This feels so good, it feels so right, I just wish it wasn’t $250 a night.
Before I met you, my heart was so famished, but now I’m fulfilled … SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!
Through all the things that came to pass, our love has grown … as did your ass.
I don’t wanna be sappy or silly or corny, so right to the point, let’s do it, I’m horny!
If you think that a hickey looks like a blister, you should check out the one I gave to your sister!
And finally, some Roses are Red poems to suit the occasion:
Roses are straight,
Violets are twisted,
Bend over love,
You’re about to get fisted.
Roses are crap,
Violets are wanky,
Oooh I’ve just come,
Pass me a hanky.
Roses are stupid,
Violets are silly,
Grease up your flaps,
Cos here comes my willy.
Roses are awful,
Violets are the pits,
Lift up your shirt,
And show us your tits.
Roses are crap,
Violets are shit,
Sit on my face,
And wiggle a bit.
Roses are red,
Violets are finer,
Chickens are fowl,
Just like your vagina.
Roses are red,
It’s elementary,
Let’s ring up a friend,
And try double-entry.
Blast from the past:
Its a bit late for gifts, but what the hell, here’s something chocolate that would make an excellent Valentine’s Day gift, and here’s something sweet.
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Tags: poem, valentine's day
