Read the blog | Make your own posters | Most viewed posters | Latest posters

Follow @flipvine on twitter

Chocolate P(arty|enis) Hats

July 2nd, 2009 10:53pm by flipvine
Cowboy, Viking and Tophat respectively

Cowboy, Viking and Tophat respectively

As part of my research for the McGangBang post, I came across some coverage of the topic on Chocolate Party Hats’ blog that says its more appropriate to call it a McThreeSome. So, intrigued by the name of the site, I read the guy’s post – here’s a quote:

I love food…oh really Dick? You invented that goddamn chocolate DickHat for cripes sake! Yeah, but I really wish I had invented the McGangBang.

So, I proceeded to investigate.  Apparently, Chocolate Party Hats (I suppose Chocolate Penis Hats are harder to get search engine hits for, although you also have – eh) .. where was I, oh yeah .. Chocolate Party Hats are basically little hats (you can’t specify a size when placing an order on the site, so I assume this is some sort of one-size-fits-all deal) that you put on your dick before the lady (and we know all girls love chocolate .. I guess that’s the thinking behind this?) eats it.

Here’s another quote from the Chocolate Penis .. err.. Party Hats site:

Add excitement and flavor to your next bedroom adventure!

Looking to spice things up a bit with your lover? Since February 2008 well over 1000 people have topped their members with a flavored fashion statement that is made of the Lamborghini of chocolates called Callebaut. It is the smoothest sweet dark imported Belgian chocolate you or your lover will ever put in their mouth! Go ahead and try one or two of our fashionably hilarious styles today.

And here’s similar marketing copy from the DickHats site:

Ultimate Prank That Gets You Laid. Want to have some fun with your wife, girlfriend, or just punk someone you know that needs to get laid? Try a chocolate DickHat today!

It’s no secret that most women love chocolate. And most men already have a special name for their “decider,” so the only next logical step is to give it some personality with a sinfully dark chocolate hat. It’s a win-win situation for both parties!

Is this website a joke? Nope! Sex toys are sooooooo 2007. It’s about time for something more adventurous and interactive. DickHats were inspired by a British poll done in May 2007 suggesting that many women prefer a sensuous piece of chocolate over a sexual encounter with her mate. DickHats were developed to undo this tragedy and bring the universe back into balance!

Apparently, they use to have a variety called “The One-Eyed Spartan” – I hope somebody finds and sends me a picture of this one LMAO. In any case, here’s a post explaining what happened to the One Eyed Spartan. (my guess was that they just made 300 of them and then stopped production):

Microsoft has chosen to forgo a great opportunity and not to provide a licensing agreement for the One-Eyed Spartan helmet at this time. Legally, I cannot sell (and/or technically advertise/show) the One-Eyed Spartan until we have a licensing agreement.

200px-Steve_ballmerhatsWhaaaaaaaat? Was this helmet a bust of Steve Ballmer? The Windows Logo? I mean, who would want to put the Windows Logo on their dick – “sorry honey, my dick bluescreened and we’ll have to wait til morning”. In any case, apparently they held a poll back in 2008, and here were some of the suggested hats to replace the Spartan (and some commentary on pros and cons that I threw in there):

  • Sombrero – receptacle tip like a condom?
  • Asian Coolie – I’m not sure if I want this to be associated with rice picking
  • Jewish Kippah – makes up for lost foreskin?
  • Football Helmet – goes against every baseball metaphor man has ever used for sex
  • Firefighters Hat – I guess .. fire.. hot.. i dunno, maybe too much of a cliche
  • Fez – would probably tickle the tonsils too much
  • Pirate Hat – I suppose this could be used for the gay version of the dickhat – ala Butt Pirate
  • Bowler Hat (Derby or Billycock) – Billycock .. ahahahaa
  • Pickelhaube (You’ll poke your eye out kid!) – yes, this could indeed be dangerous
  • Bicorn (think Napoleon) – definitely inappropriate unless you’ve got a bellow the belt Napoleon complex
  • Hard Hat (Somewhat appropriate for the situation) – indeed

So.. the poll has come and gone, and apparently a cowboy hat was the winner (see illustration at top of post with the three models currently available on the site).

CPH-Adhesive-RightIn any case, I’m a little bit dismayed that the only kind of chocolate available is dark chocolate.  I mean in theory this could get a little messy, I suppose if you’re black it would blend in so to speak.  I guess what I’m saying is that there should be a Milk Chocolate option for us white folks.  Also I suppose some intermediate mixed chocolate flavors for those with lightly-dark and darkly-light skin (jeez, I’m having trouble finding the right politically-incorrect terms for this kind of topic).

Chocolate Party Hats also suggests using Smuckers Topings as “Edible Adhesives”.  What is this, like a freakin’ “my toupee isn’t staying on” problem?

The whole idea also seems a little bit Non-Handjob-Compliant. I mean, unless they put a hard candy shell on the DickHats we’re not gonna see the same performance parameters as M&Ms – “melts in your mouth, not in your hand”.

Here’s some food for thought (yes, i know, tacky head suggestive phrase, couldn’t come up with anything better ;) )

Sorry about the breast-cancer awareness bra, its an important topic but has absolutely nothing to do with DickHats

Sorry about the breast-cancer awareness bra, its an important topic but has absolutely nothing to do with DickHats


Popularity: 24%

Tags: , , ,

6 Responses to “Chocolate P(arty|enis) Hats”

  1. D Sanchez says:

    Hello flipvine!

    I see you found our hats, thank you for your review! Send an address and we’ll be glad to send you some samples free of charge of course! The One-Eyed-Spartan was the Halo 3 helmet…

    We’re currently working on some other designs – but have a totally new product coming out – If dark chocolate is not your thing, you might want to consider our new (not released yet) product.

    We will let you know and you can be the first to report on it.

    Thanks again!

    • stultzie says:

      HALO 3 HELMET?!?!

      …new product?

      • flipvine says:

        Well I asked to get a description of the One-Eyed-Spartan helmet.. apparently the Spartan they were referring to is the Master Chief himself, not Steve Ballmer ;)

    • flipvine says:

      D Sanchez – is that Dick Sanchez or Dirty Sanchez?

      Woot, thanks man, I’ll send you our address so we can (if we get lucky) experience all the chocolaty goodness ;)

  2. [...] a bit late for gifts, but what the hell, here’s something chocolate that would make an excellent Valentine’s Day gift, and here’s something sweet. AKPC_IDS += "2217,";Popularity: [...]

Leave a Reply

XHTML: You can use these tags: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>