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Archive for the ‘Jokes’ Category


September 14th, 2010 04:50pm by flipvine

I thought long and hard for a one-word way to say “happy and sad”. ┬áThe motivation for such deep thoughts? ┬áThis joke:

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology then he turned to his wife and said, ‘Honey, I bet you can’t tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.’

She said, ‘You have the biggest dick of all your friends’.

Also, found this great venn diagram on boingboing regarding the concept of “bittersweet”, and apparently its also available as a t-shirt:


Popularity: 44%


What happens in dark corners, stays in dark corners

September 13th, 2010 04:33pm by flipvine


Can’t take credit for this one, read it in Maxim and liked it so much I had to share it:

A man comes out of a bar and hears a woman call from a dark area in the parking lot: “Twenty dollars.” Feeling frisky, he goes for it.

A little while into getting his groove on, a policeman pulls in and shines his patrol car headlights right on the two humping away. The cop yells, “Hey! What are you doing?”

The man yells back, “Having sex with my wife!”

The policeman says, “Sorry, I didn’t know!”

The man replies, “Neither did I till you turned on your headlights.”

Popularity: 12%

Kids say the darnest things – mom listening to her young son playing with his train set…

August 4th, 2010 10:08pm by flipvine

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his train set in the living room…

She heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we’re going down the tracks.”

The mother ran in the room and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.”

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, “All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.” She hears the little boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”

As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.”

Popularity: 11%

So a pirate walks into a bar… (and 3 other classy pirate jokes Yarrr!)

July 27th, 2010 08:14pm by flipvine
The Pirate Encyclopedia

The Pirate Encyclopedia

A Pirate Walks Into a Bar

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship’s steering wheel stuffed down the front of his pants. He steps up to the bar and the bartender says “Excuse me, but you seem to have a steering wheel in the front of your pants.”

The pirate replies “Arrrrrr – it’s drivin’ me nuts!”

A Captain’s Wardrobe

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, “Bring me my red shirt!”

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt, which the captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain calm as ever bellowed, “Bring me my red shirt!”

The battle was on, and once again the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred. Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day’s occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, “Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?”

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, “If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid.” The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to their Captain for his usual command.

The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, “Bring me my brown pants!”

Intriguing Pirate

A man is walking along the beach and spots a pirate. The pirate has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eyepatch over his right eye.

Intrigued by the pirate, he decides to have a chat with him.

“That’s a neat looking peg leg you have there. How did you get that?” he asked.

“Arrrrr. Tis was in a battle I fought once. A speeding cannonball claimed my leg and now I have this in its stead,” the pirate replied.

“How did you end up with a hook for a hand?” the man asked again.

“Yaaaaar. That was terrible! I was fighting off a shark, and it made a snack out of me poor hand. I managed to fight it back in the end. Yarr.”

Still intrigued, the man asked a third question. “What about the eyepatch?”

“YAAAAAAAAAAR. That was the worst of them all! A seagull damned crapped in my eye!”

“Oh? Is that all?” the man said, with a hint of disappointment.

The pirate shrugged. “Well, I only had me hook one week!”

The Asian Pirate

I spoke to a Chinese guy in the pub the other night. I asked him what he does for a living and he said, “I’m a pirate.”

I said, “Oh, you sail on a boat.”

He replied, “No, I fry pranes!”

Popularity: 12%

The boy with the amaaaazing memory! joke

June 12th, 2010 02:02am by flipvine

calvin-peeingThere is a talent show, and the announcer walks out on stage. “Ladies and gentlemen,” he proclaims, “and now.. the boy with the amaaaazing memory!”

The audience applauds, and a little boy walks out on stage, drinking some water from a bucket. ”

Ladies and gentlemen,” the announcer continues, “and now… the boy with the amaaaazing memory… is going to pee on the first four rows of the audience!”

The audience screams, and the people start running away.

The announcer yells after them, “Ladies and gentlemen, there’s no use to run! He’s got an amaaaazing memory!

Popularity: 2%