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The Pirate Encyclopedia

A Pirate Walks Into a Bar

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship’s steering wheel stuffed down the front of his pants. He steps up to the bar and the bartender says “Excuse me, but you seem to have a steering wheel in the front of your pants.”

The pirate replies “Arrrrrr – it’s drivin’ me nuts!”

A Captain’s Wardrobe

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, “Bring me my red shirt!”

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt, which the captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain calm as ever bellowed, “Bring me my red shirt!”

The battle was on, and once again the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred. Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day’s occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, “Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?”

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, “If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid.” The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to their Captain for his usual command.

The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, “Bring me my brown pants!”

Intriguing Pirate

A man is walking along the beach and spots a pirate. The pirate has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eyepatch over his right eye.

Intrigued by the pirate, he decides to have a chat with him.

“That’s a neat looking peg leg you have there. How did you get that?” he asked.

“Arrrrr. Tis was in a battle I fought once. A speeding cannonball claimed my leg and now I have this in its stead,” the pirate replied.

“How did you end up with a hook for a hand?” the man asked again.

“Yaaaaar. That was terrible! I was fighting off a shark, and it made a snack out of me poor hand. I managed to fight it back in the end. Yarr.”

Still intrigued, the man asked a third question. “What about the eyepatch?”

“YAAAAAAAAAAR. That was the worst of them all! A seagull damned crapped in my eye!”

“Oh? Is that all?” the man said, with a hint of disappointment.

The pirate shrugged. “Well, I only had me hook one week!”

The Asian Pirate

I spoke to a Chinese guy in the pub the other night. I asked him what he does for a living and he said, “I’m a pirate.”

I said, “Oh, you sail on a boat.”

He replied, “No, I fry pranes!”

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