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Archive for the ‘Jokes’ Category

where-is-jesus-today

Where is Jesus Today?

June 25th, 2009 01:19pm by flipvine

knock knock jesusNo, this joke has nothing to do with Microsoft (where you do you want to go today) or Waldo (where is waldo) or “Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego”.

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, “Where is Jesus today?”

Steven raises his hand and says, “He’s in Heaven.”

Mary answers, “He’s in my heart.”

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, “He’s in our bathroom!”

The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.

“Well,” Little Johnny says, “every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells ‘Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!’”

Popularity: 1%

Two Nuns and The Blind Man

June 25th, 2009 12:52pm by flipvine

nun-legsI swore to myself that I’ll stop making jokes about nuns after I saw the movie Bad Liutenant – but this is a rather good one that I couldn’t stop myself from sharing with you all :-D

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

“Who is it?” calls one of the nuns.

“Blind man,” replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

“Nice gazongas,” says the man, “where do you want these blinds?”

And I appologize, I couldn’t get any pictures of nude nuns painting so I figured that picture up there will at least set the mood appropriately, even if it isn’t totally in line with the topic of this joke ;)

Popularity: 1%

monkey-pees-on-zambian-president

Monkey Pees on Zambian President

June 24th, 2009 01:12pm by stultzie

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Banda softly shouted: “You (monkey) have urinated on my jacket,” and paused as he looked up to see the animal playing in a tree just above his chair.

“Perhaps these are blessings,” he said continuing his address amid laughter from the audience of journalists and diplomats at the State House presidential offices.

Beats getting shat on?

I wonder if he would have been so lighthearted about the matter, had that been the case.

Regardless, presidents getting peed on is still a pretty funny concept.

I’m easily amused.

And ok with that.

Popularity: 2%

fucking-china

Fucking China…

June 22nd, 2009 03:56pm by stultzie

is a concept I have been toying around with recently, ya know, for blogging purposes. A series, if you will, as I always find myself muttering, ‘fucking China’ about some random issue or story.  It’s not that I’m racist or anything, I don’t HATE China, it’s just easier for me to feel ’some-sorta-way’ about their culture and practices than most other places in the world. I honestly cant explain why I am this way nor will I defend the  fact that I am; it is what it is.


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FUCKING CHINA 1.

“Beginning July 1, officials in Guangzhou will enforce a new regulation that allows only one dog per household. The law will impact all families, so households that currently have two or more canines will be forced to choose which dog stays and which must go.”

“Although officials have refused to talk to the Western news media about the controversial law, it appears to be part of an effort to control the growing stray dog population.”

“Mass dog killing campaigns and rabies outbreaks are common in China…

As you can see, I have uploaded a photo of a dog; my dog. This is because she was beside me as I read this ; judging harshly, no doubt. As I considered how it would feel to have to make such a choice, I settled on the fact that I would rather kill myself than facilitate a fluffy death sentence. As an avid lover of animals,  I cannot imagine having to make that kind of decision and I wish ungodly things upon those who are responsible for passing such a law. Why does it not surprise me that you would want to murder every other Lassie, Sparky, and Spot, China? This article made me sick, fuck you.

(full story)

FUCKING CHINA 2.

2_62_081208_YangPeiyi0_61_081208_lip_synch

Don’t think I forgot about your Olympic scandal, China…

(i didn’t)


“A 7-year-old Chinese girl was not good-looking enough for the Olympics opening ceremony, so another little girl with a pixie smile lip-synced Ode to the Motherland…”

“…it’s in the national interest…”

So let me get this straight, by hiding ‘the-ugly-one’  and making a mockery of your national anthem you were doing what was best for your country? WTF CHINA!?  It was both shallow and disgusting and it was arrogance that led you to believe you could deceive the entire world. With the whole overpopulation issue you really couldn’t find a child that was both talented and pretty? I’m not buying it.

FUCKING CHINA 3.

bizarre_magazine_18406_5Apparently, saline injections are becoming increasingly popular in the Japanese alternative club scene. Now, before I go any further, if you’re wondering what compelled me to put a story about Japan in a blog with gripes about China, I’ll tell you; because Japan is guilty by geographic association. Now lets move along, shall we?

“…saline infusion is a gradual process and you become a freak progressively. That’s the joy of it…”

“Inflation isn’t painful, it’s more of a weird sensation – but it is the act of using the body and seeking another experience. It’s a bit tight. If your head gets really full, you feel a lot of pressure.”

bizarre_magazine_18427_12 The article uses words like ‘play’ and ‘joy’ in describing this, not new, but newly popular fad. Had I been the one covering this story, ‘troubling’ would surely grace the page alongside ‘hideous’ and ’sick’. I’m no stranger to alternative club scenes, and don’t get me wrong, I’ve seen my fair share of ‘play’, but this, I just can’t seem to grasp. Help me out here Chin—-er, um Japan. I can come up with plentiful Godzilla jokes on my own without your people warping into his likeliness. Furthermore, it isn’t permanent (which makes you a pussy) and it looks awful (which makes you a jackass). You’re making it far too easy for me to think of things I probably shouldn’t ever say…

and on that note, additional images of prehistoric looking club kids can be found here.

le fin.


for now, at least.

Popularity: 1%

but-can-you-ride-this-bike-with-no-handlebars

…but can you ride this bike with no handlebars?

June 19th, 2009 03:40pm by stultzie

babe1076 There’s a lot about this bike that just doesn’t add up. I’m not even concerned about the absence of   handlebars, really; I mean, where the hell are the pedals? After trying to visualize how one could even attempt to ride such a contraption, I’ve come to the conclusion that an item like this is solely meant to be groped, molested and humped at high speeds.

Popularity: 1%