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Archive for the ‘Jokes’ Category

Why I Fired My Secretary

September 16th, 2009 03:10pm by flipvine

secretaryLast week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.”

I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids… They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn’t say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, “Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!”

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o’clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.”

I said, “Thanks, Jane, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go !”

We went to lunch.. But we didn’t go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day… We don’t need to go straight back to the office, Do We?”

I responded, “I guess not. What do you have in mind ?” She said, “Let’s drop by my apartment, it’s just around the corner.”

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.”

“Ok.” I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake … Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.

And I just sat there.

On the couch.

Naked.

Popularity: 50%

5-shots-of-jack-will-cure-anything

5 Shots of Jack will cure anything

September 10th, 2009 03:15pm by flipvine

Just got another one from the same friend that sent me the “reason to stop drinking” joke:

A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender, “Give me 5 shots of Jack!”

The bartender asks “Are you having a bad day?”

The guy says, “Nope, I’m celebrating my first blowjob!”

The bartender congradulates him and says, “Well in that case, let me give you a beer on the house.”

The guy replies, “No thanks, if this doesn’t take the taste out of my mouth, nothing will.”

Popularity: 2%

a-reason-to-stop-drinking

A reason to stop drinking

September 10th, 2009 03:07pm by flipvine

A friend of mine just sent me this excellent joke:

A depressed-looking regular enters a bar and orders a Coke.

The bartender asks why he doesn’t want his usual shot of whiskey.

“I quit drinking” the man replies. Last night I blew chunks.

What’s so horrible about that?” the bartender asks. Everyone gets sick once in a while after a long night of drinking

“No, no,” the man replies. “You don’t understand. Chunks is my dog”

Popularity: 1%

WHORETEFACT (Noun). [whore-teh-fact]

August 15th, 2009 01:01am by vanderdonck

Def: An object left behind, conciously or subconciously by a woman, to label her territory and discourage competition. (Like a dog pisses on a fire hydrant.)

Used in a sentence:

That bitch left two whoretefacts in my apartment, her earrings and underwear.

Popularity: 1%

Shame on you Dr. Doctor

August 2nd, 2009 02:17pm by flipvine

FACEPALMI just found this great joke, heh, still laughing as I’m typing this:

A doctor had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty the next day. No matter how hard he tried to forget about it, his shame and sense of betraal were overwhelming.

But every once in a while he’d hear a reassuraning voice in his head that said, “Don’t worry about it. You aren’t the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients.”

But then he would hear another voice, one that jolted him back to reality. “You are a sick bastard,” it whispered, “and a terrible veterinarian.”

Seems like a Playboy Party Joke kinda joke, but I can’t vouch for that.

Popularity: 4%